The Unemployed Entries

to be present to what is possible

in my work - I want to encapsulate several world-views in order to create the perspective of multi-faceted humanistic goals to progress society on a global scale. (research more integral - on writing, art)

writing/artistic/traveling grants - endeavors of the passions (follow it!!)

09/02/11: On Monday, I got laid off. That's not the story I told everyone. To those who are my closest friends, I said that I quit. I don't know why. I think they are important to me, and I don't want them to judge me or think less of me.
Revision 09/08/11: I'm starting to tell everyone that I got laid off. Surprisingly enough, I'm not annihilated. (I knew better.)

Ego message 09/03/11: I feel like I've been giving for so long. I'm finally reaching a place where I feel given back - but it's not what I want. If I don't put myself out there in giving and receiving and loving myself, I will never be seen, and I will never be loved.

___

daily nurturing practices:
yoga/stretching (15-90 minutes)
meditate (15 minutes)
journaling (one hour)
baths (15 minutes)
masturbating (ridiculous to set a time limit - enjoy!)

___

collapse
pain body
breaching
of young girl
I breathe deep into this place
and my body knows before I know
that there is a panic
the kind that rivets me to thrust my hips
and thrash wildly about
or else
I would be touched gently
in a way
that would have me
feel taken care of
nourished, nurtured
and that scares me obscenely

what is this fear of being loved?
of subtle touch, gentle being?
why must I be fierce in all of my emotions,
as if without the roar of my cries,
the flood of my tears,
the rage of my laughs,
and the severity of my silences,
I will not be seen

what will happen
if I am simply myself
a feeling
simple
creature
playing from her body
and crying and laughing and being
from a place that is subtle

can I be gentle with myself?
can I nourish myself,
learn to want, to desire,
in such a way that
it will look like
I can finally love myself?

what do you want? he asked.

:to achieve impact
building stories and characters
and lighting and staging
and cameras and bodies in space
so that they all come together
to create awareness, hope, change
for this world

and what will that get you? he asked.

:success, acknowledgment, money, change

and what will that get you? he asked.
what do you really want?

:to travel
to paint, to write, to read
to fall in love
to have children

do you really want that? he asked.

:I guess
maybe I just want to be with people who love me

why? he asked.

:because I want to be loved

she asked to go deeper.

:I don't know

she asked,
will that make you feel whole,
and have choice,
and feel loved,
and safe

:yes!,
I cried

go deeper, she told me.

I will not be afraid to be with what is,
and the work for me is to go deeper.

___

A man and a woman walk out onto their back porch after a film. Silently, she sits on the handrail as he pulls out a cigarette, lights it, hands it to her, and lights another for himself. They smoke, otherwise still. After a moment of studying her face, he says, are your parents split up? She nods and allows herself to swallow a sob; her tears flow freely down her face. She wants to speak, but there are no words. A second woman walks out onto the porch. She asks the man for a cigarette, and he silently pulls it out for her. The first woman begins to speak; the second halts her. Still processing, she murmured, and sat down on a step. The three continue to smoke in silence out in the late night, thinking about the nature of relationships and the proceeding of being that they face in this contained universe.

___

Ego message 09/08/11: My body is still, but my inner self writhes in turmoil. What is this dullness? What is the pain that I cannot feel? Today I felt rejection, disconnection, fear of incompetence, fear of lacking worth, attention, desire. I think I wanted to be seen and heard, to be held. I want a nurturing hand, and I was relying on Andrew or Decker or SOMEONE to give it to me. I wanted to plead, please help me feel this, I don't know how to feel this. But maybe it's not a feeling. I couldn't ground my body, move my body, it is dead to me. In choosing, I can be liberated. But I'm not choosing - I can't even feel myself wanting enough to choose. That's a lie. I want to be held, I want to feel nurtured. Did I need someone to touch me for me to know that I am here? I am here. The only part of me that I am conscious of are my thoughts. My thoughts trying to feel. Without my body, I cannot feel accurately. I am only fearing feeling. I understand now. I am in freeze. The freeze has caused me to be immobile for five hours. I laid. And thought. The beauty of the day was wasted on the destructive gunpowder of my mind trapping me from this feeling that I am afraid to feel. There is a charge in my belly. It cries, let me out! My belly holds the fear. I don't know why yet. At 4:30 this morning it woke me up. It told me that I want to feel something deep, deep inside me. So I entered myself, past my pelvic bone, feeling my wetness, my wanting, my sex, my girl, my woman. I laid exhausted and fell into a deeper, restful sleep. The howling of my body cries louder. No one, no one can save me.

Ego message 09/10/11 (continued): I understand these dynamics in my relationships now. I have romantic relationships in which the interested party reaffirms my self-worth. I want to be witnessed, but I don't want him to be too close, not unless I'm in need. So I laugh, I enjoy myself, using him for my playing, and when I'm sad and feeling separated - alone, I pull him in into the orbit of my self-pity universe. He'll notice the vastness of the pull and the severe void of my attention on him. He begins to doubt his self-worth. I say one thing, but he feels entirely used. Either way, I'm not present to the relationship as a whole. That is painful. I am either not caring for him as much as I would like to make the relationship more reciprocal, or I love him so much that I fear making my feelings be known. I either face guilt or I limit my expression. My relationships begin to creak onto a self-destructive path. When I notice a withdrawal, may it be mine or his, I can't deal with the feeling of aloneness. I sleep with others, continue to reaffirm my existence of being loved. The guilt builds, and eventually, the relationship drives off the road. There are few moments in my life that I had felt the free flow of expression between myself and a lover, a love and want so pure that it was reciprocated in astoninshing beauty. The romantic in me smiles. They were purely fantastical; we would write and charm each other's tears out in chest-explosive symphonies. He would exalt, and I would fawn. This usually happens about 95% of the my relationships, but only in the very beginning. Then lack of presence or lack of expression and communicating leads to the withering of the relationship dynamic. I was listening to Aurash talk about the ever-changing dynamics of his relationship with Marcia as they near their two year anniversary. They had been polyamorous, monogamous, in threesomes, he had been celibate; despite it all, they had been present and in communication as to what they need, staying in connection - AND in relationship. Andrew and I had skipped the romanticism that I experience in my relationships. We started with sexual desire, and when I pushed for relationship, he withdrew. And as he withdrew, he sucked my energy right into him, and I haven't left. As I eyeball the unlabeled relationship I have with Andrew, and notice all the desire that I have for him to want me and be mine, what is the nature of his wanting and what does "be mine" mean? I want him to want me - to choose me. I want him to desire me, to want my body, to be mesmerized by my bright mind, and my romantic devastations, my sore, broken soul. The grounded me wants him to choose me no matter where I am, so I can have him witness me grow, and grow with me. I don't want someone to pity me or have to help me grow. I just want someone to hold my hand and watch me. Having someone by my side loving me feels true. I am ready for that. As for "be mine," I think there is a possessive quality in me that I don't fully wish upon myself if it was reciprocated. I enjoy a freedom of expressing my sensuality, and boyfriends had always stifled that, caused me guilt. There is a healthy medium in this, and I don't know what. I think that if I were to really get into a relationship, especially with Andrew, whose heart is so young and naive and unspokenly broken and pure, I would want there to be a solid boundary and agreement that we are each other's primaries and that we would speak to each other in agreement to see others. I think having him as my primary will build the foundation that I am safe and that he will not abandon me, and the agreement will give me the free range to open myself to others without guilt. Now, on the flipside of this, I know that I will face terrible jealousy. I know this young voice in me that continuously wants to be held, to hold me in regard as special, the only one, the light of his world. My judgement of this is that I am so selfish. That I want an exclusive relationship purely so that my heart can be held. I think I can be held as a primary, however, and I want someone strong enough to process with me when he chooses to be with another. I feel grounded as I write this. I can see myself carrying that over maybe in marriage. To have lifelong relationships that may involve other people, to have breathing room, to be fully expressed, to be loved. This dissertation on my approach to relationships is coming from a place of wanting, I am finally truly wanting. And now, I just want someone to want with me. Truly, I want to access to feeling more whole.

Ego message 09/12/11: It has been two weeks since I got laid off. This morning, Andrew and I left my apartment at 5:30 am to take our Danish friends to the airport. After dropping them off with some fond farewells, we turned back to the Annex to pick up Tate and drop him off at Zynga's Rhode Island location. It's almost as if he's picking up where I left off. I felt a prickle of envy for his security: food when he wants it, structured time via work, financials in order. I look back fondly to the time that I had a surplus of money, working full-time at Zynga, and living almost for free at the Annex. Now I'm unemployed with a year-long lease. I'm terrified. If it were not for the money, I wouldn't have so many negative feelings around my situation. I have been noticing myself much more, aware of my life, my surroundings, developing a cleaner relationship with Andrew, and I feel more awake for some reason! I imagine this has to be because I'm living closer to my edge. I think having an easy job (that I don't care much for) is another method of sleepwalking. This makes sense to me that my workaholism is a check-out from what is present internally. I notice that I can hardly sit still during these last two weeks of unemployment. A desire to work on my photos, look for work, grasp onto structured time. I think what might be more useful for me is self-rituals that can be healing and more clearing for the day. For instance, journaling. I think if I can get up early enough in the morning, I'd have a light breakfast with some protein, keep hydrated, journal, go to yoga class at 9 am, come back, shower, journal, read for an hour or so, and then have a little bit of structured time alternating around doing photo work and looking for work, leaving room for me to play and socialize and eat little snacks and stay active, healthy, noticing, and nurturing myself (so important!). Right now, all I want to do is to get back into bed with Andrew and take a short nap. That might rejuvenate me (or not), but I have some time before yoga since we woke up so early! Loving my universe whenever I think of Andrew. I feel like he's such a blessing, and his company and presence keep me grounded and held in ways that I don't think he realizes. I'm in danger of simply adoring him, but I'm much too in defense of my self-worth for me to let myself adore him. He'd lash out from so much intimacy, I imagine. Must stay grounded in my love.

Ego message (continued): I'm really anxious right now. I don't have a job, I don't know if I'm marketable, and I don't know if I'll have enough money to pay rent and feed myself! I'm so SO scared.

Ego message 09/13/10: Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid to call Joe. Don't be afraid to turn down the job. He will not hurt you. He will just be upset. Cross him and you will not be annihilated. The strain is getting to me. My chest feels tight, even when I try to breathe into my lower belly. My entire body aches, and I can't sleep at night, I think I'm not getting rejuvenated. I'm scared, I feel frozen, I can't seem to get out. I want support, someone gentle, I want someone to have compassion for me, I want compassion for myself. D.K. loved me the other day, and oh God, my heart opened and I felt like I could soar and grieve and be without judgment. If only I can access that for myself. I want to love myself in no matter what place I'm in. When did I learn conditional love for myself? Is it because I took in my parents' conditional love? Do they not have unconditional love for themselves? No, they do not. It is painful. That if I am in a certain mood, displaying a certain behavior, incapable of looking or doing certain things - that I could be unloved. I don't want to pass this down to my children. I want to love myself unconditionally so that I can love them no matter what. I want this for myself and for everyone around me.