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Ego message 09/23/11: A couple of things that I'm currently noticing. One is - when I drink caffeine, I get really cranky. I don't want to drink caffeine anymore. After I drink tea or coffee, I just want to smoke, and I think I smoke to slow down and to feel more grounded. But if I really want to get grounded, I should just move and be in my body and to stop drinking tea and smoking cigarettes. Stimulants galore and no physical exertion to make it go away. My mind starts spinning, I begin to disconnect from the outer world and myself, and there I go, running off, like a stag in heat. Secondly, I think I've been avoiding dealing with money. I mean, I think about money. I think about how I'm going to borrow enough money until I can get into grad school and concentrate on school. But that's not sustainable, is it? Of course I have judgments about borrowing money. It's not cool. How will I pay that back? AND - can I allow myself to want what I want while still taking care of myself? Man, money is such a subject of shame - the debts that I owe, the fact that I got none, my pretending that it doesn't mean much when actually I give it so much power, because I think it allows me access to things that I do want, such as more workshops and freedom to travel, do what I want, etc. Money causes that cycle - do what I want to get it, and when I get it, do what I want. Really, I should just do what I want, but then the tree stump on the road of getting what I want is money. What a bitch. And now that I mentioned grad school - why can't I get myself motivated enough to do my applications?? Right now, I want to just want to be immobile and not think, but being immobile and having racing thoughts totally go hand in hand, and I'm avoiding again. I am avoiding putting my focus on the work at hand, because I'm afraid of feeling the shame of being inadequate, of having to ask for what I want (letters of referral), thinking/feeling myself (essay about myself), and claiming what I want with grad school. And I'm sucking, I'm sucking hardcore - like I see people working makes me feel like I'm stuck in something. Unwilling to work? Unwilling to do things that are difficult? What's difficult? I want to do what I want, I want to do what feels good to me, and that actually may or may not include difficult shit. I want to chill out - I want to MAKE IT EASY, Decker said to Bryan. How do I do this?

Why do I have contempt? Why do sarcastic comments escape my lips without control or choice? What's underlying? Jealousy? Self deficiency? What am I truly wanting? To celebrate others - I MUST celebrate myself. Fuck, I really want to celebrate Me, but it's really fucking hard. I need help.

Ego message 10/02/11: - I am on the cusp of loving you. -

These words were difficult for him to say, and difficult for me to hear. I imagine that they are hard for him, because to express the feeling may also be a letting go, the impact of emptying, an annihilation of being. I imagine that he fears hurting me, because he is not available for what I want. And I want isn't even very clear. Partnership? Partnership and love and a lifelong exploration of dynamic intimacy and depth. Better said than done.

Excuse me while I add more wood to this campfire. Right now, I can hear the drums in the distance - in my mind's eye, I see my friends blindfolded, feeling their way through between the trees, feet feeling the earth, noses catching wind, ears prickling for the reverberation of the drumming in the distance.

And he - he isn't there blindfolded, although he is blinded by exhaustion, and he isn't here with me stroking this fire.

Why I am so confronted that he may love me, I can't say. My body yearns for him so much, sometimes I become him: I begin feeling his pain, his boyish longing and joy, his well of feeling that rattles in his bones and heart crying, 'let me out! I am here!'

I don't wish to be him, but I have romanticized his struggles, idealized his desire to be with all that is in his heart and all that is in the world and to participate fully in it. I want to witness that as much as I want to be witnessed in my aspirations to be with softness and nurturing and fierceness and to wield my sharp mind in service of love. He isn't in a place to witness, I'm not even sure if he wants to be witnessed - but I like to to think that he does - it is less lonely to be loved on such a journey. His Inhibitor is strong, and he bars his heart from feeling, from being, from me.

He told me that he would never be pushed away by me. His space is sometimes needed, he said, he will own that, but he will never leave my life. My heart hurts as I write this. A man who will never leave me! Why does this hurt?

I don't know what I want with him. When I imagine partnership with him, I see an intensified suffering. I think I'd suffer because of my attachment, or our natural push-pull, to which we will both suffer; it's so natural between us. I want to understand my attachment. DO I LOVE HIM AT THE EXPENSE OF LOVING MYSELF? I keep coming back to this question, because I'm understanding that I'm not fully taking care of myself. I don't see my boundaries really clearly - I've had shame saying, 'no,' and had used willingness as a tool for connection and experience far more often than listening to the 'yes' that is purely for myself. There are strong yeses. I want to be good to my body. To take care of myself, to ground, loving my belly, my skin, my breasts, I want to feel my body fully, so I can celebrate when I feel good, and notice when I don't. Embodiment. Then I want to celebrate my heart, when I feel truely, for all of its feeling and wanting and being with it, for right now, I am tender. I feel resistence when I write about loving myself. Wanting that is newfound, a concept for some time, and a practice only recently. Gentle compassion, she wants. I am a friend, one who knows and feels you more than you - please take care of me. I am again with the child Cindy, and I feel all the ways that she had thought she was alone and uncared for. The very belief I held that my mother and father didn't love me (or didn't love me the way I wanted love) has me shut down from receiving and givin myself that love, even though I find myself wanting and giving that to others, especially my brothers, because I don't want them suffering like I did. I get that my victimhood was of magnitude as a child; chaotic households, I guess, are detrimental to the development of a young child; and I am no longer a child. I am a woman, carrying around the sadness of a child, and I know that I can be truly capable of giving myself the love that I have always wanted - including surrendering myself with people who can give that love, and for me to practice receiving it, instead of rejecting it out of fear that it will be taken away. I think I don't trust external love all that often, and that's okay. I am finally trusting that the people around me have good hearts, and that they don't always have intentions to hurt me.

I think that I have been okay with Andrew for so long because he wasn't giving me love that could be acknowledged or celebrated. I am afraid taht I will allow it to be okay, and I will not be able to let it go. I am afraid of losing love.

He just now sat next to me, feeling this fire by my side.

When I feel into Me, there is a voice that is expressing that I love being Alone.

We went hiking in the woods, and for several times he reached out to me, inviting me to be with him. I feel this pain - I am having a hard time being with his love! I don't know how to receive this without feeling pain of loss, pain of being, just receiving such intense love FOR MYSELF. That HE loves ME. That I can be loved.

Pain. No, not pain. Feeling. Being with myself.

Ego message 10/03/11: Jealousy - a conglomerate of feelings converging to a point.

Let me tell you - I don't like feeling this 'conglomerate.' This is a place in me that I do not love; a place in me that I struggle to accept. What is my conglomerate? A part of it is hurt. I'm hurt that I'm not being seen. I'm hurt because I'm too scared to bring it. I'm hurt becaue i can be so vindictive and unloving and closed. The desires underneath: I want to be the Only One; I want us to celebrate each other, non-exclusively; I want to be acknowledged and loved; I want to be special; I want to be seen.

This conglomerate leads me to being Alone. Sometimes I choose it, sometimes I find myself here, and I crave not to be. Right now, I crave feeling more me, and has me be a little more alone. I want more physical presence - although I am in the Round House with thirty other individuals, I specifically want Andrew to hold me as I try to feel more myself. I have been taking and giving all day - I want to give to him and to take to him now, but he is distant in his thoughts, and there, he wants to be alone. I feel the distance. I get sad about it, generally, and now I'm trusting that when he's ready, he'll come. He's not my savior. I want him to witness me and be in support of my growth. I want healing for the both of us.

Ego message 10/11/11: Post-Shasta, working a new mindless gig at Brainwash - still grateful and loving of Keli - I wouldn't be surviving without her help, in the middle of rehearsals with WE Players, just did AMP for the second time, and sweating over my college application. I'm scared and wanting more and appreciating and desiring change - this is so difficult to be with!

Ego message 10/14/11: How is it that he is so good to me?

Why am I so ashamed?

Ego message 10/17/11: How do I be with jealousy, I asked. She replied, get your needs met?

What am I not getting met? What has me feel insecure, unloved, without?

Today he beckoned me over with is love - he noticed my upset, this pain magnified in my withholding. As soon as I surrendered to his embrace, the pain came bursting through the floodgates of my heart. What a relief. I felt my entire being relax. And he just held all of it, and smiled, and I felt his love. I love him.